I Love You Because...

You check the washer and throw the load of laundry I forgot about (again) in the dryer.

You will eat half cooked Hamburger Helper with me in an attempt to have dinner together,even though I have to jump up half way through it and run back to work.

You will let me wear your fuzzy new sweatshirt I bought you before you do.

Sometimes you ask me what I am doing and question it,not because you doubt my intelligence but because you have learned that I am prone to getting in over my own head on a project,holiday,camping trip etc. and you help keep me level headed.

The above being said..once the plan is made you jump right in and always support me 100% while always helping any way you can.

You can't walk by me without touching me.

I know it would make your day to see just one hummingbird in the yard.

You call the town where I grew up Home too.

Of the amazing things we create when we put our heads together. Smoked (by Vern) Ricotta + My Mom's Lasagna Recipe (made by me with a little Alfredo twist)=The BEST Lasagna I have ever eaten!

You spend over an hour trying to fish out the air freshener that I accidentally dropped in the vents on the dash of the truck. Never once complaining at me or letting me feel bad and instead insisting it was no big deal as you successfully fished it out and shared a good laugh at how great the truck smells.

I still melt every time I look into those big blue eyes of yours.

You love me for me. Trust me,I know it isn't always easy and I know without doubt you are the most patient man I know but thank you,a million times over for loving me,all of me,with all of your heart <3



The Hungry Silence Explained

I may not be blogging much,I have survived the first 3 days of "healthy lifestyle changes" and it's not easy....I don't like the word "diet". Diet to me is temporary,what I need to do has to be permanent for it to be worth it. But no matter what you call it I am uncomfortably overweight and finally ready to change....for good. I know what I need to do although, I enjoy learning more all the time,the Internet is full of healthy people,who knew?lol  

So for now I am giving up my daily triple shot,white chocolate breve and trying to convince myself that a cup of drip and a little breakfast is better. I have also limited my soda to one a day and have been drinking the recommended dose of water. I am walking,so far 2.8 miles once a week but that needs to be multiplied 3-4 times for me to be successful.(On the bright side... I have used the opportunity to also spend time with friends and establish some new healthy friendships!) My body is still convinced it needs more calories and it begs for them all day long. I now know what fat sounds like when it cries,it doesn't want to go..I have no sympathy! 

Plus I am tired,holy cow am I tired...I finally gave in and had a nap today. The 2.8 mile walk and 80 degree weather kicked my butt! And after 3 days of all this..the scale hasn't moved. I know it is silly to be even the least bit disappointed after only a few days but seeing some progress would be very encouraging right about now when I am being tested and tempted and...strong in so many ways I am personally so proud of. So I will keep trying,changing,and feeling better. This is the worst,the first few days of kicking a few bad habits and making changes. I know the results will come,I just got to keep trying.

Universal Windows

Vern and I sat on the back porch this morning,finally deciding how to spend our afternoon. Garage sailing yesss! On a side note,last weekend I we went also and I had in my mind a few specific things I wanted. Crafty splurge kinda things. Coincidentally I found everything I wanted and more for super cheap! Yesss! Vern was jealous ;) So today I figured it wouldn't hurt to send out my requests before we started shopping. I looked up to the sky and said "I really need a few more old windows to make a little greenhouse in our garden...please?" Vern and I smirked at each other and went about our day.

 It was a sunny Sunday afternoon but garage sales were surprisingly hard to come by. On our final loop through town we were close to giving up when we saw a bright yellow garage sale sign. Being that is one of only a few we had seen all day we decided to give it a try. Well kept culdesac,cute log A-frame house and a sale full of stuff where nothing was marked...? Huh? Frustrating. The lady running the sale was literally running her butt off trying to keep up with customers asking her questions. I was happy with a prize I found quickly,an old galvanized watering can with the spout broken off for 50 cents. I nearly called it a day when something told me to look a bit more........ and there they were...3 windows,same size,no cracks.metal framed (unlike the old shabby chic ones I already have) and PERFECT for what we need! Sweet! In an attempt to score a good deal I asked her what she'd take for all 3 of them. Much to my surprise I scored better than I had ever thought,her husband said I could have them for FREE!! YAY!! (Yes I know 3 doesn't sound like enough but it is!) Vern approved because they were going to make this project easier for him (the actual greenhouse builder) too. Win win,that's the way I like it!( Fast forward a few hours later and our new greenhouse is the new home to 4 pepper plants all snuggled in it's warm protection. *happy sigh*)

  On our way home I was reminded that my request had been fulfilled. 3 better windows than I asked for and for FREE! I am so thankful! We had a chuckle at the thought of my answered request,even if it was just for some old windows,it was granted. As I have been known to say "The Universe can't give you what you want if you don't ask." Just don't bother asking for winning lottery tickets,I've tried that and it doesn't quite work the same ;)

Status

Today summed up in my Facebook status:

"officially impressed with our borrowed Kitchen Aid mixer (thank you Shannon Long)! For all of you that have one plus the meat grinding attachment,use it! We turned tough steaks into BEAUTIFUL hamburger! Now some of it has been turned into jerky that is getting all yummy in the smoker! Oh and on a side note..last night we tried Rachael Ray's "Chicken Fried Hamburgers" yes you read that right...so bad but sooo good!"

"Pineapple Sage and plants for the garden,mini greenhouse made out of free windows we found at a garage sale,a new Shepard's hook and a spray paint face lift for some old planter buckets...we have our work cut out for us ;)"

Love,Sleep,Eat,Work...Rinse And Repeat

Depression and bravery. Two words I wouldn't usually use together but tonight,they apply. I always appreciate when people blog from the heart and so I will take my turn and shine a bright light in a very dark place in my life. Depression. It is harder to admit and talk about than I thought. Bravery. What I realize is required in order to talk about it...let alone blog about it...for the WHOLE world to see.

I kept expecting depression to be like it looked on TV. Sadness,irritability,loneliness or even physically painful. Sure it's all those things but it is also in the little things that they don't mention.

Depression is...

Your head spinning 16 hours a day on everything other than what you should be thinking.

Over analyzing that you are thinking about the wrong things.

Starting to stress because you are too busy thinking all the wrong things and not really getting anything actually done.

Avoiding outings because most of the time the world outside of the yard is too intimidating to explore as you are already mentally exhausted from the above process that happens every. day.

You are fully aware of the expectations placed on you by life in general, the eating,the grooming and personal relations to name a few..but what if everyday you had to convince yourself to function? Exhausting at best. What usually drives me is waiting until the last minute and being blessed with a job to keep my accountable.This also means I spend most of my mornings running to work with wet hair in a ponytail at the last minute. Great way to start the day? Hardly.

A "Can Do!" attitude with "Can't Do" results or a people pleaser who is too stubborn to help herself.

Trying dozens of prescriptions,herbal supplements,breathing techniques,coping skills,doctors and the like just to achieve a manageable level of function. That in itself,is extremely frustrating.

Playing the part. It is the pressure to continue to be the person people know you to be even though you feel like a stranger living inside your own body. Trying to explain to others how that feels and trying not to make them question your sanity.It is just easier to play the part. Love,sleep,eat,work...rinse and repeat.

And remember..all the while,you are still mentally exhausted before the day even starts.

Is not all that I am all the time. I am happy,my life is good,I am surrounded by wonderful people and I have my faith. I know I am blessed,I focus more on the good than the bad and I PRAY,Lord knows I pray!!

.

.

.

Depression is...

Something I struggle with but not something I will let get the best of me :) 

Letter from a Mother to a Daughter:

 "My dear girl, the day you see I’m getting ...old, I ask you to please be patient, but most of all, try to understand what I’m going through. If when we talk, I repeat the same thing a thousand times, don’t interrupt to say: “You said the same thing a minute ago”... Just listen, please. Try to remember the times when you were little and I would read the same story night after night until you would fall asleep. When I don’t want to take a bath, don’t be mad and don’t embarrass me. Remember when I had to run after you making excuses and trying to get you to take a shower when you were just a girl? When you see how ignorant I am when it comes to new technology, give me the time to learn and don’t look at me that way... remember, honey, I patiently taught you how to do many things like eating appropriately, getting dressed, combing your hair and dealing with life’s issues every day... the day you see I’m getting old, I ask you to please be patient, but most of all, try to understand what I’m going through. If I occasionaly lose track of what we’re talking about, give me the time to remember, and if I can’t, don’t be nervous, impatient or arrogant. Just know in your heart that the most important thing for me is to be with you. And when my old, tired legs don’t let me move as quickly as before, give me your hand the same way that I offered mine to you when you first walked. When those days come, don’t feel sad... just be with me, and understand me while I get to the end of my life with love. I’ll cherish and thank you for the gift of time and joy we shared. With a big smile and the huge love I’ve always had for you, I just want to say, I love you... my darling daughter. "

                            Happy Mother's Day!