Heart Ache

My heart hurts. Not heart attack hurt but it literally hurts. I think perhaps He is once again providing me a growth spurt. Lucky me. I am thankful,really I am! To be able to have faith that, what may seem like negatives are really many positives in the making. That being said,the process can also be long and painful. Literally. Sure it was really just 2 parents displaying a little tough love,confronting their teen to try to motivate. But we all know that sometimes things hit you at a deeper level. That was me today. Deep. Stuck here in my own head,thinking. Faced with obstacles that shake me to the core. All of a sudden life was so big and I felt very small. I honestly questioned who I am. I'm still not sure. I know who I am in the inside but I think somewhere its getting lost in translation...? I just don't think I am projecting myself correctly on the outside? So,I step back and I try to learn. I can humbly accept defeat when I take it as an opportunity to grow. But what do I do when I am stuck between defeat and growth? That weird gray area where I just feel defeated...and my heart hurts? When it involves the one person you love like no other?! I guess my answer is that I blog. It's like a friend who always listens to,agrees with and remembers everything I say. So I come here and spill....and usually,I find some answers or at least feel a little better. Tonight being one of those rare times where I just dont have any answers and I don't feel a little better and strangely.....I am content with that. My normal defense mechanism at this point is to put up a wall or shut down or find a solution or throw out unreasonable demands or...and I don't know if its age or defeat or hurt but....it's different this time. This time changed me and I can only pray that whatever comes from it is worth it.