Depression and bravery. Two words I wouldn't usually use together but tonight,they apply. I always appreciate when people blog from the heart and so I will take my turn and shine a bright light in a very dark place in my life. Depression. It is harder to admit and talk about than I thought. Bravery. What I realize is required in order to talk about it...let alone blog about it...for the WHOLE world to see.
I kept expecting depression to be like it looked on TV. Sadness,irritability,loneliness or even physically painful. Sure it's all those things but it is also in the little things that they don't mention.
Depression is...
Your head spinning 16 hours a day on everything other than what you should be thinking.
Over analyzing that you are thinking about the wrong things.
Starting to stress because you are too busy thinking all the wrong things and not really getting anything actually done.
Avoiding outings because most of the time the world outside of the yard is too intimidating to explore as you are already mentally exhausted from the above process that happens every. day.
You are fully aware of the expectations placed on you by life in general, the eating,the grooming and personal relations to name a few..but what if everyday you had to convince yourself to function? Exhausting at best. What usually drives me is waiting until the last minute and being blessed with a job to keep my accountable.This also means I spend most of my mornings running to work with wet hair in a ponytail at the last minute. Great way to start the day? Hardly.
A "Can Do!" attitude with "Can't Do" results or a people pleaser who is too stubborn to help herself.
Trying dozens of prescriptions,herbal supplements,breathing techniques,coping skills,doctors and the like just to achieve a manageable level of function. That in itself,is extremely frustrating.
Playing the part. It is the pressure to continue to be the person people know you to be even though you feel like a stranger living inside your own body. Trying to explain to others how that feels and trying not to make them question your sanity.It is just easier to play the part. Love,sleep,eat,work...rinse and repeat.
And remember..all the while,you are still mentally exhausted before the day even starts.
Is not all that I am all the time. I am happy,my life is good,I am surrounded by wonderful people and I have my faith. I know I am blessed,I focus more on the good than the bad and I PRAY,Lord knows I pray!!
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Depression is...
Something I struggle with but not something I will let get the best of me :)
