The Hungry Silence Explained

I may not be blogging much,I have survived the first 3 days of "healthy lifestyle changes" and it's not easy....I don't like the word "diet". Diet to me is temporary,what I need to do has to be permanent for it to be worth it. But no matter what you call it I am uncomfortably overweight and finally ready to change....for good. I know what I need to do although, I enjoy learning more all the time,the Internet is full of healthy people,who knew?lol  

So for now I am giving up my daily triple shot,white chocolate breve and trying to convince myself that a cup of drip and a little breakfast is better. I have also limited my soda to one a day and have been drinking the recommended dose of water. I am walking,so far 2.8 miles once a week but that needs to be multiplied 3-4 times for me to be successful.(On the bright side... I have used the opportunity to also spend time with friends and establish some new healthy friendships!) My body is still convinced it needs more calories and it begs for them all day long. I now know what fat sounds like when it cries,it doesn't want to go..I have no sympathy! 

Plus I am tired,holy cow am I tired...I finally gave in and had a nap today. The 2.8 mile walk and 80 degree weather kicked my butt! And after 3 days of all this..the scale hasn't moved. I know it is silly to be even the least bit disappointed after only a few days but seeing some progress would be very encouraging right about now when I am being tested and tempted and...strong in so many ways I am personally so proud of. So I will keep trying,changing,and feeling better. This is the worst,the first few days of kicking a few bad habits and making changes. I know the results will come,I just got to keep trying.

Universal Windows

Vern and I sat on the back porch this morning,finally deciding how to spend our afternoon. Garage sailing yesss! On a side note,last weekend I we went also and I had in my mind a few specific things I wanted. Crafty splurge kinda things. Coincidentally I found everything I wanted and more for super cheap! Yesss! Vern was jealous ;) So today I figured it wouldn't hurt to send out my requests before we started shopping. I looked up to the sky and said "I really need a few more old windows to make a little greenhouse in our garden...please?" Vern and I smirked at each other and went about our day.

 It was a sunny Sunday afternoon but garage sales were surprisingly hard to come by. On our final loop through town we were close to giving up when we saw a bright yellow garage sale sign. Being that is one of only a few we had seen all day we decided to give it a try. Well kept culdesac,cute log A-frame house and a sale full of stuff where nothing was marked...? Huh? Frustrating. The lady running the sale was literally running her butt off trying to keep up with customers asking her questions. I was happy with a prize I found quickly,an old galvanized watering can with the spout broken off for 50 cents. I nearly called it a day when something told me to look a bit more........ and there they were...3 windows,same size,no cracks.metal framed (unlike the old shabby chic ones I already have) and PERFECT for what we need! Sweet! In an attempt to score a good deal I asked her what she'd take for all 3 of them. Much to my surprise I scored better than I had ever thought,her husband said I could have them for FREE!! YAY!! (Yes I know 3 doesn't sound like enough but it is!) Vern approved because they were going to make this project easier for him (the actual greenhouse builder) too. Win win,that's the way I like it!( Fast forward a few hours later and our new greenhouse is the new home to 4 pepper plants all snuggled in it's warm protection. *happy sigh*)

  On our way home I was reminded that my request had been fulfilled. 3 better windows than I asked for and for FREE! I am so thankful! We had a chuckle at the thought of my answered request,even if it was just for some old windows,it was granted. As I have been known to say "The Universe can't give you what you want if you don't ask." Just don't bother asking for winning lottery tickets,I've tried that and it doesn't quite work the same ;)

Status

Today summed up in my Facebook status:

"officially impressed with our borrowed Kitchen Aid mixer (thank you Shannon Long)! For all of you that have one plus the meat grinding attachment,use it! We turned tough steaks into BEAUTIFUL hamburger! Now some of it has been turned into jerky that is getting all yummy in the smoker! Oh and on a side note..last night we tried Rachael Ray's "Chicken Fried Hamburgers" yes you read that right...so bad but sooo good!"

"Pineapple Sage and plants for the garden,mini greenhouse made out of free windows we found at a garage sale,a new Shepard's hook and a spray paint face lift for some old planter buckets...we have our work cut out for us ;)"

Love,Sleep,Eat,Work...Rinse And Repeat

Depression and bravery. Two words I wouldn't usually use together but tonight,they apply. I always appreciate when people blog from the heart and so I will take my turn and shine a bright light in a very dark place in my life. Depression. It is harder to admit and talk about than I thought. Bravery. What I realize is required in order to talk about it...let alone blog about it...for the WHOLE world to see.

I kept expecting depression to be like it looked on TV. Sadness,irritability,loneliness or even physically painful. Sure it's all those things but it is also in the little things that they don't mention.

Depression is...

Your head spinning 16 hours a day on everything other than what you should be thinking.

Over analyzing that you are thinking about the wrong things.

Starting to stress because you are too busy thinking all the wrong things and not really getting anything actually done.

Avoiding outings because most of the time the world outside of the yard is too intimidating to explore as you are already mentally exhausted from the above process that happens every. day.

You are fully aware of the expectations placed on you by life in general, the eating,the grooming and personal relations to name a few..but what if everyday you had to convince yourself to function? Exhausting at best. What usually drives me is waiting until the last minute and being blessed with a job to keep my accountable.This also means I spend most of my mornings running to work with wet hair in a ponytail at the last minute. Great way to start the day? Hardly.

A "Can Do!" attitude with "Can't Do" results or a people pleaser who is too stubborn to help herself.

Trying dozens of prescriptions,herbal supplements,breathing techniques,coping skills,doctors and the like just to achieve a manageable level of function. That in itself,is extremely frustrating.

Playing the part. It is the pressure to continue to be the person people know you to be even though you feel like a stranger living inside your own body. Trying to explain to others how that feels and trying not to make them question your sanity.It is just easier to play the part. Love,sleep,eat,work...rinse and repeat.

And remember..all the while,you are still mentally exhausted before the day even starts.

Is not all that I am all the time. I am happy,my life is good,I am surrounded by wonderful people and I have my faith. I know I am blessed,I focus more on the good than the bad and I PRAY,Lord knows I pray!!

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Depression is...

Something I struggle with but not something I will let get the best of me :) 

Letter from a Mother to a Daughter:

 "My dear girl, the day you see I’m getting ...old, I ask you to please be patient, but most of all, try to understand what I’m going through. If when we talk, I repeat the same thing a thousand times, don’t interrupt to say: “You said the same thing a minute ago”... Just listen, please. Try to remember the times when you were little and I would read the same story night after night until you would fall asleep. When I don’t want to take a bath, don’t be mad and don’t embarrass me. Remember when I had to run after you making excuses and trying to get you to take a shower when you were just a girl? When you see how ignorant I am when it comes to new technology, give me the time to learn and don’t look at me that way... remember, honey, I patiently taught you how to do many things like eating appropriately, getting dressed, combing your hair and dealing with life’s issues every day... the day you see I’m getting old, I ask you to please be patient, but most of all, try to understand what I’m going through. If I occasionaly lose track of what we’re talking about, give me the time to remember, and if I can’t, don’t be nervous, impatient or arrogant. Just know in your heart that the most important thing for me is to be with you. And when my old, tired legs don’t let me move as quickly as before, give me your hand the same way that I offered mine to you when you first walked. When those days come, don’t feel sad... just be with me, and understand me while I get to the end of my life with love. I’ll cherish and thank you for the gift of time and joy we shared. With a big smile and the huge love I’ve always had for you, I just want to say, I love you... my darling daughter. "

                            Happy Mother's Day!

Bless My Bloomers

For the last few weeks my mind and efforts have been distracted by my green thumb. The time of year when I envy the semi retired women making minimum wage at WalMart because they get to spend their days in the greenhouse talking about flowers. I love flowers and I LOVE gardening. It is one hobby that I have yet to get bored with. Maybe it's the challenge,the waiting,the hard work or a combo of it all. So what is happening in my yard this year you ask? I'd  be happy to tell you! (until I can post some current pictures)

The hens and chicks are continuing to overcome their' garden. Spilling out of old fountains,pots and small aquariums and climbing over stumps,beach rocks,drift wood and sea shells. A ceramic frog peeks at you out of his "good eye" as a pale ceramic fairy plays her tune on a mushroom drum. A few escapees have grown under the fence but they are such a cute greeting to passers by we can't bare to pull them. We have much faith that this will be the year the succulent garden will fill in and connect to cover any trace of the ground below. To think that when I met Vern 4 years ago I found this little garden of his unusual and now I am fertilizing to make it grow even more because I love them too!

The raspberries have exploded in a huge garden box. I knew they would be better the second year but holy moly it's growing like crazy! We just might get more than a few handful of raspberries this year,this pleases me tremendously!

Today I finally added blueberries to the large garden box next to the raspberries. I meant to do it last year and never got around to it. I may have just made up for lost time... and it all started with one plant..... called "Bluecrop" at Walmart.



Bluecrop



 Sweet,that was cheap and simple! Blueberry-check! But thennn... the gal working in the greenhouse said she had heard you need to plant 2 types of blueberries together to have lots of happy berries. I wanted to assume she was some kind of blueberry pusher but then realized WalMart only carried one type.I consulted my smart phone and learned she was right. We were off to Home Depot. This little project was suddenly growing but I was determined to finish it this time. Much to my surprise Home Depot had TWO other types of blueberries! SCORE! The "Duke" and "Pink Lemonade". The Duke being exactly what I needed (another "typical" looking blueberry)

The Duke

 and the Pink Lemonade

Pink Lemonade

 was something I had never seen before,it supposedly produces sweet pink berries...instant dilemma! I stood there,a bucket in each hand,my brain hurt,a horrible smelling dog had licked me (a story for another time) and I wanted to go home and get planting. $7 each,one 5 foot long planter to plant them in and fear of unknown future berry invasion...I threw caution to the wind and bought them both! I basked in my berry induced high the whole way home.3 different types of blueberries,go Me ;) I took special care prepping the garden box. I added a bag of my best potting soil,tilled it all up,tore out chives and Calla Lily bulbs for transplanting and fertilized. I spaced them just perfectly,covered them carefully and watered them in.I stood back to admire my work and then it hit me. I just planted THREE BLUEBERRY PLANTS! I looked to my left at the garden box of raspberries climbing the trellis and fence and growing more and more each week. What seems like hundreds of new sprouts coming out of the dirt...what have I done?! That was ONE plant.I look back to my right at the garden box of blueberries. Three sweet little innocent sticks coming out of the ground, covered in itty bitty green leaves....harmless right? Blueberries might not get as big as raspberries...right? RIGHT?! I am comforted as I remind my self that I knew well enough to contain them and that's also why I chose blueberries over blackberries. Too evasive for me and my small yard! Also I can prune the heck out of them so they don't get out of hand and they'll keep coming back. AND last but not least my "inner prepper" is also excited about all the ways I can cook with and preserve them! Tragedy averted...right?

The garden sits lonely and neglected for now as the huge blooming Rosemary steals the show on that side of the house. I think it has finally found it's forever home in the old dryer drum,with an old weathered window propped behind it to tie in my attempts at shabby chic. This small side yard is my only full sun area and will soon be full of all my precious sun seeking perennials that I purchased with the promise that they would attract butterflies and hummingbirds.For now it has the sprouts of a few newbies. A Parrot Vine is new to me this year,it will be exciting to see if this frail light green sprout will grow to a vine with Parrot beak looking red flowers. It grows next to a Mum from my friend Sonja who had the wonderful tea party for me last fall. She is always so thoughtful and such a dear friend. And in the front row are my 4 little mysteries. Somehow I lost their tag in transit so for now I am left guessing what will grow from these fuzzy,long,round leaves.It will need to be a bit spectacular to steal the fragrant show from the Lilac looming above.Finally after 34 years,I finally have a blooming Lilac of my own! No more stalking the neighbor's Lilacs out front,slowly walking by,strangely close to her fence to inhale the sweet aroma as deeply and discretely as tact will allow. It is so liberating to have one of my own to enjoy as often as I please,there are few smells I love more.

The newest addition to the yard is the garden bed Vern made me in front of the deck wall. Since this is where we put the fountain we decided to spruce it up a bit.Now it is nicely framed in with wood and filled with red columbine and some bright yellow and green grass that surround our big bubbling fountain.The lighted peacock that I scored at Christmas time has found it's place in there too. It's so unusual and beautiful at night as the blue and purple LED lights reflect off the water on the fountain.Off in the dark corner is the glow of a frog as he hides just a few feet from a funky wire and glass rabbit. My child like nature becomes so apparent when I get creative...

The other side of the yard has a similar flower bed but it is much longer and gets much more sun. This is where I try to get away with all my "Part shade" flowers. It's hit and miss at best. So far I have been lucky with some Geraniums that I picked up at the local Garden Club plant sale.In one year they have grown and spread like crazy which is fine with me because they are pink and purple.I also took a chance on some bulbs I found at Grocery Outlet last fall. They shocked me when they not only grew but have bloomed the prettiest daffodils with ruffly petals,a white layer on the outside and a peachy pink center. My faith in bulbs has now been renewed since I have had such horrible luck with them in the past. I filled the empty spots in this flower bed with a Dahlia (that I am trying for a third time) and another perennial I forgot the name of (but have bought before a few years ago and nearly killed but it's barely hangin on.) but so far it's bright pink flowers give me hope. (I am digging it up soon to put next to the other one and replacing it with a Daylily that I am giving a chance off the clearance rack (yes I am a glutton for punishment)). Last but not least in an attempt to tie in my love for french Cottage style gardens we added some short white columns we found at a yard sale last year. I topped them with  pretty urn shaped pots containing a combo of deco grass,sweet potato vine and fuscias to name a few.Now all I am missing is a few chunks of moss to put under the pots and give it that old,overgrown look. Moss...oh how I lovehate moss. I love it as deco but NOT in our lawn! We bought our first thatch rake today,again,I am aware that I am a glutton for punishment. This begins phase 3 in our battle with the moss. Now that we own miss killer and a thatch rake..I just might stand a chance. I don't know why it bothers me so much but..it does! Again,perhaps part of the appeal of gardening is the challenge.

As my mental tour contiues,over the sidewalk,past the succulent garden and over to the shade gardens I must confess that this area of the yard is where I almost have met my gardening demise. I learned to love Hostas,coleus and ferns as I accepted the slim selection of hearty full shade plants.It's also a great place for our old bench and a small wagon of driftwood that hides the pipes and utillity boxes.Aside from a very cute old wash bin full of flowers under the dining room window...that's it. So once again,I am taking my chances. I spread 2 packets of shade flower mix all over that shady flower bed. I also have 2 packs of Columbine seeds in the refrigerator getting ready to plant there too. I love Columbine and honestly...if only one grows..I'll be happy.

Perhaps we can explore the front yard another day but this concludes my tour for now. For those of you who read my ramblings here to the end,I hope I gave you a little vacation in your day :) I

Spring is here! My favorite time of year! I am realizing that I really enjoy all the typical Spring events. Spring cleaning,gardening and even lawn de-mossing just to name a few. I have scrubbed,shoveled,planted and shined my way through about half of those duties so far. I have the broken nails,sore back and sun burnt shoulders to prove it oh but it feels so good! I refuse to deny myself the intoxicating spell that this time of year puts me under.

Things have changed a bit around here..Trevor moved back in with his Mother. Although Vern and I were a little sad we know it is for the best and time for him to take this step. He will be 20 at the end of summer and is still at a standstill in his life. Growing up is hard...so is parenting.

I am finally starting to settle in at my new job. Although I love it very much there has been quite a learning curve as I adjust to more responsibility and so many new things to learn. My coworkers have been absolutely fabulous about making me feel welcome and patiently answering all my questions. My clients are all supporting me 100% and so far I am convinced that this was a verrrrry smart decision.

Chipper and Maxine,the two cutest furbabies on the planet!We recently celebrated Chipper's 8th birthday this April! Where does the time go?! That boy of ours has grown to be such an amazing companion and also in the last year,an awesome big brother! Maxine,our little Princess. She is now one and half years old and ALL girl! She is so cute and irresistible it is hard to discipline her or not pick her up (because she likes to be held all. the.time.) How can you not find room in your arms for 6 fluffy pounds of love and fur?! I am so thankful to have Vern in my life both as my partner and a father to these two rambunctious kids of ours,I couldn't do it without him! 

A little birdie has mentioned that an engagement is also in the air this year ;) I hesitate to mention it before it actually happens but I just have to tell someone!!  I am so ready to be his wife but I am so unprepared for any serious wedding planning! I do know one thing...it will be simple. I waited 30 years to find this man and 4 years for him to ask me to be his wife,everything else is minor details.