Blogging...Honestly

I'm not too sure I like where I live and I have a hard time settling in here. That is hard on me. It makes me unhappy that my house is not MY home. It's not all bad but the bad/good ratio runs an average of 50/50. What do I dislike you ask? My spoiled roommate who has been enabled and disbled his whole life. I generally like taking care of people but not when I feel taken advantage of. I will not do for those who are not willing to do for themselves. I will also not tolerate mentioned roommates Mother. We clash to say the least. I refuse to accept or enable anyone to live a lazy,unhealthy lifestyle,especially those I live with and care about. She feels the opposite. Her years of guilt over his blindness and meddling mothering have created a monster in her and her son. She has no idea what really goes on around here yet she thinks she knows everything! Ugh. Today was no exception,I ran my mouth like an idiot to my roommate's Mother in an  attempt to help and she got very upset and defensive. Reality check. I live and help care for a man who is legally blind and I am not allowed to suggest possible adjustments to his lifestyle to make him more productive and independent. If I do,it is seen as a selfish unsympathetic slam on his "fragile""limited" abilities. I forgot,I have made this mistake before...a few times. THAT is my bad.She left the salon in a huff and I knew the worst was yet to come...I sent Vern a warning. Once again, my sweet Vern was stuck in the middle of it and again was able to diffuse the emotions of our roommates mother. Vern had to admit in front of his mother and brother about all the little things his brother does to annoy us. All the little things I had brought up in attempt to make her understand,not things I intended for him to hear to his face. My bad again. I feel I put Vern in an awkward situation and I hurt his brother's pride. It all happen face to face and I wasn't even there so Vern was left mediating and defending me. I wouldn't say these things to Del because I want him to think that was he does to contribute around the house IS important so he might attempt to do more. One of my petty complaints was his dish washing skills,he does the dishes (doesn't use a sponge or scrub them) and then we have to rewash them. If he lived alone he would be eating off of moldy dishes. We don't complain because this is one of the only things he does to help. Well...now he knows. Creating a big giant elephant in the room when I got home.No one wishes to discuss any of this again and I assume we will all go on pretending it didn't happen and secretly resenting each other for it. I vow to stop running my mouth about this subject to her ever again. Mostly because I hate the agony it brings my poor boyfriend and secondly because it's unproductive,so why bother. We will stick to talking about the weather.And when I need help caring for or I am concerned about her son,I will seek the help and support of someone else.
It all boils down to where we live. The Catch 22. Living with my boyfriend's disabled brother and attempting to help him have a good quality of life and a nice home. AND...Living in someone else's house, while appreciating it more than they do and trying to have a good quality of life and a nice home. Through all of this one thing is constant...the love between Vern and I. That's what keeps me here,loving Vern is what gives me strength to tolerate days like today when I want to give up and move. I know in his heart he needs to be here taking care of his brother and sharing my life with him means standing beside him and sharing in what is important to him. I just can't be too sure I will be good at it all the time. ha ha I also know that living here and loving Vern means respecting his Mother and keeping the peace.I think with a little more practice I will be a pro at this...I will do it to avoid putting him in more situations like today. I will do it because I love him :)
Wow,that felt good. It felt good to whine to someone and get it off my chest. I wonder if I'll have the courage to post it...a good ol' honest blog. No "Miss Nicey Nice" just "this is what is on my mind today,good or bad. If I sound like an idiot, well,I think I am willing to take that chance".