Just Too Much

I feel a bit obligated to report in after the much anticipated anniversary party. If you were to ask my parents or any of the guests they would tell you that the parties were fabulous and they all had a great time. I couldn't be happier with that end result,goal accomplished.
Here's the weird part...for me,it was the weekend from Hell. The hotel rooms were stinky,filthy or a horrid combo of both.Poor Vern became sick with a dangerous bout of Diverticulitis the first day and suffered miserably until we left to come home a day early to the "comforts" of our local ER in fear we could get stuck in the hospital in Idaho or Spokane for Lord knows how long. After what he has been through this year with his colon,we were both overcome with a helpless fear of so many unknown possibilities.During all of this,we attempted to maintain our plans of cooking and prepping almost all the food for 2 parties. One of the down sides of my occasional over ambitious,control freak habits is that when the shit hits the fan I am the only one who knows how to execute all my elaborate intentions!This was one of those times.It felt like it all just slipped away before I was ready. The time disappeared and the parties happen and...it was all over before I had a chance to enjoy it. What is a family party if I don't take the time to enjoy my family? This hostess gig is so much more complicated than I thought it would be! Then add the fun of 3 adults and 2 dogs in one hotel room for 3 nights. The barking,the air conditioning, the awkwardness of sharing that space with Vern's 19 year old son and a big fabulous hot tub that was too hot to enjoy in the 90 degree heat. I had lost any possible chance at being able to tolerate any other curve ball that came my way....and then.... I broke. Having to say goodbye to David after only a few short hours of time together,torn by the need to get Vern medical care and the unexpected pain that erupted when I once again had to say goodbye to David too soon.Rushing out of the weekend that I had worked so hard on,leaving so many loose ends but anxious to get home to our familiar Doctors and hospital....
Something came over me like I have never experienced before. I cried. I cried for pretty much the entire 8 hour ride home and when I woke up the next morning..I started to cry again. I had so much overwhelming sadness in my heart about all that had happened. I think back and my heart literally cringes at some of the things I said or felt because I was overwhelmed. And I did it all to myself. My inexperience with this type of party planning and my over the top expectations ended up being my demise. My unpredictable emotions that sometimes appear when I spend time with David. The fear of something..anything hurting the one man I love like no other..it was all too much and this time I didn't even care enough to fake it.
It took me days to start to snap out of it. The last week is a blur and I'm not too sure I am going to try too hard to recall it.I'll try to remember all the good,there was some. Thing is,this was one of those life things that shook me to my core. It introduced me to a dark inner place I'd rather avoid and in other ways,also created growth. I know that with great emotional pain comes enormous emotional growth and I am always honestly thankful for the revelation. This party was not at all how I planned yet it all appeared  as a graceful symphony to those who didn't know better. Hmm perhaps some of the good is...I'm not as horrible at this as I had originally thought ;)